An Open Letter To My Boyfriend About My Mental Illness

I am unashamed of who I am. However do acknowledge that I come with a lot of baggage and you have your own so I understand if at times you are overwhelmed. The truth of the matter is that I get overwhelmed too sometimes. This world of ours is crazy and chaotic and I count myself very lucky that I found someone who is my shelter from the storm.

Sometimes I may not make sense and that is okay. There are good days and bad days and everything in between. Somedays I may cry a lot. Over everything spanning from a cute three legged puppy I saw on TV to you forgetting to move our laundry from the washer to the dryer and I know it can be mystifying to you as to why I react the way I do so consider this a official crash course into them realm of my brain.

Please never, ever doubt my love for you. You are my best friend in this entire world. There is no one on this earth that I would rather share my life with. And I am eternally grateful that you are a part of my life, in rain or shine. You are the only person that can make me laugh so hard my abs ache and I accidentally snort. You were the first guy to teach me how to slow dance. You were the first guy to ask for my permission to text me again the next day. You were the first guy to hold me through a panic attack and help me breathe all the while reminding me that I was safe and loved. There are so many other moments I could mention but this post would be 100 pages long so I will leave it at that for now.

When it rains it pours and things have been really hard for both of us lately. I have been having medication issues, and you have been dealing with the aftermath of losing a family member and all that goes with it. We both have been struggling financially as well which has only added strain. On top of it all, we have both gone to our respective family's home for the holidays which means that the person who we find solace in (each other) is 281 miles away. Right now, things are not the easiest. But that's okay.

Lately I have been struggling with anxiety and mania related symptoms. You know what anxiety is, I don't feel the need to explain that to you but mania is lesser advertised and is vastly more complicated so I will do a quick 30 second TED Talk of an explanation for you. As you know, being Bipolar requires you to ricochet from one end of the emotional spectrum or "pole" to the other. (bi meaning 2 in Latin) Everybody and their brother knows what depression is. It manifests lightly differently in everyone but as a culture we understand it more readily than we do mania. Mania is the other side of the bipolar coin, the other "pole" if you will. But there are two different main kinds of mania.

The first kind is probably what you would think of if you (a) knew what mania is or (b) cheated and googled. It is generally described as feeling "on top of the world" or like the Lego movie song, "Everything is Awesome". You feel euphoric, everything is going your way and it's absolutely wonderful. You're in love with everything and everything is all rainbows and sunshine. You are energetic, require very little sleep, and often start a million different projects that will inevitably never see themselves finished. The only problem is that it's easy to have trouble relating to people who aren't feeling as awesome as you are and sometimes your filter for what's socially acceptable to say just kind stops working. Your mind is usually operating at break-neck speeds and sometimes there just isn't time to ponder whether or not it is a good idea to spend half your paycheck on new phone or if giving your number to a complete stranger was a good life decision. The clinical term for this feeling is called "euphoria".

BUT- that's not the end. See there is this other side of mania that doesn't get talked about nearly enough despite the fact it is FAR MORE common to experience than the former. This guy is called "dysphoria" or as my mom likes to call it, "angry hornet syndrome" Dysphoria is harder to describe because it's kind of one of those things you have to experience first hand to really truly grasp but I'll try my best to do it justice here. The best way I can think to describe dysphoria is through music. You know that feeling you get when you are forced to listen to something that has a terrible sound like nails on a chalkboard ,obnoxious car alarms that won't shut up, or horrible dissonance in a song? You feel your chest tighten up, it's hard to think, every nerve ending in your body seems to be on edge and tingling, you can HEAR the dissonance buzzing inside your head but you can't make it stop, and you feel like you might explode? Now multiply that by ten, no, 20- and you've got dysphoria. It's like starring in your own personal horror movie, hearing the jump scare music, and not being able to find the monster. You are just in agony waiting for it to pass so you can experience some sort of relief.

While you are experiencing this type of stress, it is easy to imagine how even the most mundane of things can be totally overwhelming and cause you to react in ways others might not understand. Lately I have been feeling trapped in my dysphoria and I know it has effected you, possibly even in ways I don't know of. And for that I am deeply and sincerely sorry. It is easy to forget about how your pain effects others when you are dwelling on your discomfort. The last thing I want is to add to your anxiety and headache by having overreactions, outbursts of anger or any other enhanced feelings I may be casting your way

I am sorry that things have been difficult for the both of us. I hope you know that I will never stop choosing you, even when it's difficult, and that I am always 100% on your side and always, ALWAYS, here for you. No matter what life throws our way, because like my main lady Audrey Hepburn said, "The best thing to hold onto in life is each other".

I love you so so much.

Love,

Your Best Friend. =^..^=

12-18-2018